So very tired.
Tired of biting my tongue. Tired of hiding what I think and how I feel. Tired of stopping and thinking before I say something or confront someone when I think they’re being unfair or wrong. Especially since so few other people seem to do the same.
I do it because I’m afraid. Afraid of how the other person will react. Afraid of how it will effect them or our relationship. Afraid that they’ll be insulted or off-put or hurt and that I’ll lose them as a result. So I don’t say what I really want to say. I don’t call them out on their bullshit.
I grit my teeth and I clench my fists and I fume silently, playing over everything I want to say but never do. Because it’s easier than confrontation, and because I’m afraid that if I dare say what I think or what I feel; if I dare to disagree with them, I might push them a little bit further away - or worse, lose them altogether. Maybe not right now, maybe not from this one disagreement or argument, but in the long run. That over time the differences will add up and they’ll keep pulling further and further away because of it.
In some cases this fear is irrational, and in yet others it is justified. In some cases, they’ve hurt me and I’ve pulled away - so why wouldn’t they do the same in turn? Maybe they have. Maybe I took the first step and they took the next two until we’re where we are now. And if so, what’s to keep more steps away from being taken?
I’m tired. Tired or things that are trivial and insignificant in the big picture having such a considerable impact. Like a thousand paper cuts, each one nothing, but together something. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I let the little trivial picky bullshit rile me up too much because I can’t do anything about the big things. So I focus in on them.
I’m tired of losing, either in one fell swoop or by inches. Tired of being afraid. Tired of not knowing what to do, or how to do it. What to say, or how to say it. I’m just so tired. And the only thing that I can do… is nothing. Nothing at all.
So I’ll write this. Put it out into the void of cyber-space. Because it’s nothing. Yet it’s also something. It’s all I can do.